You're sweet but you're just four feet
And you still got your baby teeth
You're too young and I'm too well hung
Tonight I'm gonna rock you
Tonight I'm gonna rock you
-"Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight" by Spinal Tap
Have I ever mentioned that I - a man of 435 - could have sex with a 14 year old girl in Canada and it would be perfectly legal? Well, there's a qualifiers to that. If I were to fuck her in the ass or photograph said fuckery, I'd be in a world or hurt. But old-fashioned, straight, fantastic vaginal sex with a girl young enough to vbe my daughter would be perfectly kosher so far as the Criminal Code of Canada is concerned.
Yeah, I probably have mentioned it. Knowing me, I've probably mentioned it about 40 times.
You must forgive me. I often grow forgetful about what I post here. This is because I view this blog like a rape. I just want to finish a post qickly, take a shower and forget it ever happened. Oh, and I feel empty afterwards, knowing that no one will ever love me.
But I'm getting off track, aren't I?
I was astonished to find out that I could have sweet, sweet sex with a nubile young girl without any legal consequences. Not that I find anything particularly positive about that or anything. Seriously, how good can a fourteen year old be? Probably not very. I would imagine that it would involve about three hours of and answering questions like, "You want to put that in Daddys special place?" While I would imagine that would be funny the first time, it would probably get old really quick.
Besides, I have a theory about having sex with virgins. That theory is that it should be avoided. You see, ALL women have horrible first sexual experiences. I have yet to meet one that enjoyed it. And women yenta it up with each other just how much it sucked. So if you're even halfway good, the girl thinks that you're the greatest thing ever and she falls in love with you. And no good can come of that.
So I tend to avoid virgins. It might be something that everyone should do once, like lighting a fart, but you should learn your lesson early and move on. I know that this opinion makes me a minority among men, but since most men are idiots, I'm comfortable with that.
In fact, the youngest woman I've had sex with in the last decade (whose age I was actually certain of) was 29. So I'm not exactly an expert on the whole issue of sex with young girls. There is one thing that you should take my word on it, older women will rock your fucking world , gentlemen. Unless you're 60 or something. Then it would suck and you'd likely get friction burn.
Not only is it impractical to have sex with a 14 year old, it's probably wrong, too. After all, she's only 14. Christ guys, let her at least be disappointed by awkward teenage boys groping her tits for a few years before you swing your wrinkled scrotum in her face, okay?
At this point, I'm sure you're all asking, "Would skippy fuck a 17 year old?" The answer is simple. Abso-fucking-lutely. That's probably morally wrong, too, but 17 year olds are MUCH hotter than the used to be. What do you people expect from me, sainthood? Bsides, I suppose that a 17 year old would be thrilled that I can find her clitorus, whereas a forty year old would merely be impressed.
Well, if the Conservative Party of Canada gets it's way, you won't be able to fuck super-young girls anymore.
Of course, the Conservative Party of Canada never gets what it wants.
The author of proposed federal legislation designed to protect children from sexual predators is doubtful it will pass when MPs vote on it tomorrow.
And why ever would that be? Are the governing Liberals all pederasts? Of course they are, but they have different reasons for opposing this bill.
Opponents of Bill C-313 -- which calls for the age of sexual consent to be raised to 16 from 14 -- fear the Conservative party is bent on "criminalizing puppy love," Rick Casson, MP for Lethbridge, Alta., said.
This actually isn't as silly an argument as you would think. Consider savage places like Alabama, for example. There's a case there involving a couple you might have heard about. A seventeen year old boy is in prison for sharing his love with his fifteen year old girlfriend. I think he was sentenced to forty YEARS. That couldn't be more fucked. Of course, the girl being white and the boyfriend being a giant, black football playerprobably has something to do with it. There are still, after all, places that don't see the hilarity in Mandingo.
Advocating the prosecution of kids for fucking other kids because that's what makes being a kid so much fun is idiotic. While I don't think that letting 15 year olds fuck fourteen year olds is cool, I don't think other fourteen year olds should be punished for it. And because men have no idea how to fuck until they're 25 makes getting fucked by a 14 year old its own punishment.
See? I know lots about karma and cosmic justice. That should be worth a blowjob from one of those loose "Stop the War" girls. Not that I'll get one. I won't get one because there's no such thing as cosmic justice.
"It is an amendment to the Criminal Code to prevent adults from preying on children," Mr. Casson said.
The bill would be "one more tool in the war chest our police can use to protect children against predators."
Canada is in the minority of countries that has set the age of consent at 14. The most common age is 16. Mr. Casson said the lenient law is drawing predators "into our borders."
I'm all for stoping child predators. They serve only to destroy the lives and innocence of societies most vulnerable members. And that is properly the job of the family. See where liberal values get you? Now even parenting is being outsourced.
One very importantgroup is being overlooked in this whole debate. I'll bet not one of you has gotten this far into my mindless tirade and thought," What about the homos?"
If the age of consent is changed, it should be done so "across the board," said Calgary's Stephen Lock, on the national board of Egal, which promotes equality for gays and lesbians.
Mr. Lock pointed to the Criminal Code clause that sets the age of consent for anal sex at 18. "Susie and Johnny can consent to have sex and it's not a criminal act. Tommy and Johnny, if they have anal sex and they're not 18, their sexual expression is criminalized."
As anyone who reads this blog should know, I'm all for gay rights. I think they should have all te rights and responsibilities as the rest of us, if for no other reason than I can't think of a reason that they shouldn't. And neither can you, if you're interested in being honest about it.
But arguing for a child's right to sodomy is just an outrage! Why, when I was a boy, you didn't get to fuck someone in the ass until you 31 years old! And that's the way it's SUPPOSED to be! Well, maybe not 31. That is a little old to be banging someone in the dumper for the first time. But I , by which I mean people my age, looked like they got hit in the face. With a truck. Two or three times.
Butt sex is something that all young boys, black and white, gay and straight alike think longingly about. Yea, it is the very dream of Martin Luther King, Jr's that brings us all closer together as a true brotherhood of man. This is not something to be squandered by kids who don't even know that Adam Sandler isn't funny yet. Oh no, this is a gift to be savoured and cherished in a way that only age, experience and yes, endless, painful longing can bring.
To you teenagers out there who think that sodomy is yet another example of "greasy kid stuff," I say nay! NAY! There's a reason that sodomy is in the Bible, Godfuckit! This is a very, very adult business.
Let me be clear, I don't agree with the Conservatives on keeping butt sex out bounds - or "in the paint", as it were - for moralistic reasons. No, I'm far too petty for that. The way I see it, if I had to wait that goddamn long, they can get a butt-plug until they're eighteen. Fuck 'em. Or not. HAHAHAHAHA!
Of course, I'm not bitter or anything. Just interested in cosmic justice.